FatLoser is movin’ on up!

That’s right! I am actually in talks with an [apparently — self-described] well-known advertising firm out of California to do a commercial! More details as we get things nailed out. They’re not 100% sure on this yet, they just said they wanted to get my information in the event that they have something that would fit for me in the future. They apparently do a LOT of stuff at a time, so even though there is nothing available right now, they said it’s quite possible that they may give me a call in the next month or two. They weren’t very keen on the ideas I pitched them, but they said they do some work with clothing stores for plus-sized people, and that that’s the type of role they could see me in. We’ll see!

As I put on my resume I am most interested in doing feel-good Jared from Subway type work. But rather than be a fat sellout like him, I would like to advertise my weight issues in a comforting, consoling way. I want to help marketers reach other fat people, and sell them products to make them feel better about their lives.

I’m sure you’ve all seen those Weight Watcher commercials or even some beauty product commercials where they have women who are considered “plus size”, but who really only weight maybe 20-30 lbs over their ideal. That’s bullshit.

My ultimate goal is to be in a Wendy’s commercial. I would like to describe the commercial I envision in my daydreams:

Scene: I am perched behind the counter of a Wendy’s restaurant, taking orders from a gaggle of giggling cheerleaders. In the background you can hear Bon Jovi’s song Bad Medicine playing quietly. As the cheerleaders approach the counter the camera pans over to my fat face and it quickly turns a deep shade of scarlet.

Me: I look shy and my voice cracks as I croak, “What can I get you ladies?”

Scene: The lead-in to the chorus of the song starts playing… and it starts to get a little louder.

First cheerleader: In a ditsy, stereotypical voice, “I’ll have an… ummm…. Frosty.”

Me: My hands shake visibly and I hit the wrong button on the register. “FUCK”, I blurt out. (bleeped of course)

Scene: The music comes to a complete halt and does that “ZZZZIP” sound like when somebody pulls the needle off of a record.  Everybody’s face turns to me and there is a collective gasp.  You see a mother covering her child’s ears and giving me a disapproving look.  There is dead silence for at least 3-4 seconds… nobody moves.

Second cheerleader: In a man’s voice, because she is a t-girl, “Hey baby, that sounds like a good idea; I’ll have some of that.”

Scene: The chorus immediately begins, and it’s blaring now.  The Second cheerleader rips my shirt open and it momentarily goes into slow-motion as the buttons go flying as my flabby breasts flop out. There are teeth marks and hickeys on my breasts, and a tattoo of Batman touching his ass with one finger and a voice bubble above him that says, “ssssshhhhh” — like the sound water makes when it touches something hot and quickly evaporates. I want a closeup of my chest here and I want the sizzling noise to actually be made. I want some CGI used so that the Batman figure moves around a little as my breasts jiggle.

Second cheerleader: Winks at me as the chorus is even louder now, and she starts shaking her hips around and hops over the counter and grabs onto me like a little monkey grabs onto its mother, with her arms wrapped around my neck.  I lean in and open my mouth in such an awkward way that it’s apparent I’ve never kissed anybody before (think Liza Minnelli and David Gest or Michael Jackson and Lisa Presley).

Scene: What was originally a frightened, shy look, turns to a grin as the screen does one of those flipping things where it changes to the next scene (horizontal). All you see is me on my king sized bed with a sheet covering my butt, and all the cheerleaders’ faces visible below me in the bed (the camera has panned from being under me and looking up at my grin, to being over my shoulder and looking down at the cheerleaders’ faces on either side of my head).

The camera then does a profile shot of me and shows me gasping for breath, then my hand appears and I am eating a 1 LB Wendy’s Quadruple Bacon burger (which is being revealed for the first time in this ad). I eat the burger and get sauce all over my face, then turn to the camera and grin.

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If I saw a fat man getting laid by a bunch of cheerleaders, I swear to god I would buy food at that place. Imagine how many people who are fat would also do the same thing. I know this is not “network friendly” but I think it would make a great viral advertisement. Wendy’s can even disassociate themselves with it by hiring an intermediary company to make an “unauthorized” commercial. I think of Dave Thomas as my friend, and if I got to be in a Wendy’s commercial I would consider my life fulfilled.